Friday, August 5, 2011

Confessions of a desperate housemama: Grocery store woes.

I had the best of hopes for the day.

That was my first mistake.

I needed to do some grocery shopping and I decided to take the princess with me. Since I am a human cow, I was afraid she would open her big blue eyes the moment I pulled out of the driveway and cry non stop.

I told the hubs that I would take her because she would probably snooze through the whole thing. I had grand visions of a peaceful, beautiful baby sleeping while I save my family money couponing and deal hunting.

EHHHHHHHH. (That was the sound of the buzzer signaling my wrongness at this assumption.)

I got about to the front door when the little ball of joy opened her eyes and decided that she had slept enough. I felt my belly flip flop in worry with the hours of shopping I had before me than I just as quickly told myself that she would either go back to sleep or be highly entertained by all the sights.

Do I need to sound the buzzer again??

It started with little whines and a couple grunts. Three isles in we were in full crying mode. I had to search for the right deal and then again through my coupon binder while pushing the cart back and forth, back and forth. Over and over again.

By the time I reached the canned goods that wouldn't even appease my little blessing. I thought maybe she would like to be in the carrier against me. Then she would fall asleep right?!?

I got her feet in the carrier right as she threw her arms out and knocked a jar of olives out of my hand, sending it to its death. I heard the glass break and the very nice grocery man came and assured me it was no big deal.

I broke a speed record going to the next isle.

"Clean up in isle five...just follow the screaming baby."

Little miss was not satisfied with this carrier arrangement however, so I started to bounce my body down the isle, singing the Steely Dan song that was blaring over the loundspeaker.

bounce bounce. " When you smile for the know I love you better" People were trying to look without being rude.

Then even this would not satisfy. I felt my milk come in, a direct response to her little shrieks of discontent.

I looked around in panic. I had a cart full of food, some things left to get and a very unhappy girl on my chest.

Why oh why didn't I wear my nursing tank or a top that could be shoved to the side to nurse?!?
I had to have a t-shirt that you had to lift completely up to get to the girls...geesh.

When I hit the frozen foods, I tried to maneuver one of the girls out the top of the t-shirt while having the carrier cover any show that I might give to the patrons. I then tried throwing a receiving blanket over one shoulder, lifting my t-shirt up on one side to expose enough for her to be appeased while yanking it down in the back so I wasn't totally naked from the rear.

That didn't work and generally ticked her off.

I was a desperate woman, which isn't a far jump for me. (Ask my friends or hubs...they will tell you.)

As the beads of sweat started to form, I pushed my cart to the front of the store, looking for a chair, bench or anything where I could discreetly sit my bottom down and feed my child.


I saw that off to the left was a semi- segregated area.

The liqueur section.

I made my way there, screaming baby and all and hid in front of one of the shelves. I then lifted my whole shirt up. (I told you I was desperate.) and attached crying baby to an udder.

Sweet, sweet silence.

I did manage to get a receiving blanket over me but who was I kidding? My back was totally exposed and you could hear, suck, suck, gulp. (The girl was hungry, ok?!?)

Of course being my child, she was going to be leisurely about her eating. (The experts always see eat slowly, right?)

I had nothing to do but look at all the liqueur around me. I seriously contemplated opening a bottle and taking the edge off my nerves. I wondered to myself...

"Self, wonder if I could unscrew a bottle with my teeth, while only being able to hold the bottle with one hand?"

I shook my head into rational thinking again and decided that alcohol was not the answer. Especially if someone came around the bend and saw me nursing and drinking.

My thought soon turned to panic while I then thought about all the people who could come into my isle. You know, ex-boyfriends, that perfect mom from the PTA, construction workers.

The princess finally did get her fill and I gently placed her in her carrier while trying to put all my clothes back in place. I told little girl that mama had been through the ringer today so I expected her to be a quiet little angel the rest of the trip.

She responded with a goofy grin and moving her bowels in a mighty in blowout in isle 20.

Not the sign I was looking for.


frugalredneck said...

I hate to laugh, but I must. Only it is the laugh of bahahaha you wrote this story not because it happened to you but because you saw me in the store with Jeremiah the other day!!!!!! But only imagine this..... Jeremiah is my 7th child, My first breastfed child (I did not have the pleasure of wonderful parents growing up and I was told bad things about breastfeeding, things that would make you self concience). Side note, I decided I was going to try breastfeeding this time and I was doing it no matter what and it turned out to be the best thing ever. Even when you are at Old Cowtown musuem with 5 of your seven children and any inhibitions you ever had were lost that day and you just whip it out, Hey it is a town from the old days everyone breastfed then right?? Maybe not for all to see...But he was hungry darn it and I am pretty sure I heard a sigh of relief from everyone just to hear his crying stop!!! I am fairly confident now ( He is 9 months) that the stares from his amazing screams that I would whip them puppies out on national television, in front of everyone just to squelch the screams. lol From 2 udders to another, I woulda helped ya chew off the top of the wine bottles haha Michelle

Amanda said...

Oh, what an awesome, but horrible story all at the same time. As a BFing mama, I feel your pain. I never had to do that, but I could imagine your emotions you were going through. Great job! :)

joyfulword said...

Enjoyed reading this! I can so relate! You're a good mama!