I have had a day. Make that a week. Make that a... well you get the idea.
Most the time I want to dance around my kids, thanking the Creator for their very existence. I want to play games with them, wrestle with them and eat them up with hugs and kissies. Then there are those days when I just want to eat them.
I have been in a slump this week. I am tired, overwhelmed and just plain drained of emotional energy. Do you know what I mean?
Why is it that alot of us mamas can only recognize the things that we haven't achieved?? I have a running checklist in my mind of all the things that I haven't gotten done. Its like once I accomplish something it just disappears. I haven't done the Giant Eagle or the kids craft post, I haven't gone through that stack of "junk" mail. Don't even get me started on what I didn't do with the kids. I didn't play with them enough, was too hard on them, not hard enough, didn't listen enough, lost my patience and didn't cherish them enough. Or so the devil on my shoulder tries to whisper in my ear.
I locked myself in my bathroom this week. Yep, that's right. (My hubby was home and feeding the children so safety wasn't an issue. ) For 30 minutes I sat on the floor and cried my eyeballs out. Earlier, I had taken both children to the doctor and several stores. Normally it would be routine but today I had a "test the limits" toddler and a teething baby. That is 3 very unhappy people. Actually make that a good handful. (All the people at the store and doctors office that we tried to pick up for a free ride on the crazy train that I was driving!)
Sniffling, I looked around and seriously contemplated living in this one bedroom world of locked doors and quiet. Sure, there would be a toilet in my bedroom but beggars can't be choosers right? I sat there asking myself and the dust I noticed on the back of the toilet (One more thing on my list of things I didn't get done) how I got in this sad state. Where did I get off course?
What I came up with is that I had a dreaded disease. There are no vaccinations, no cures and plenty of symptoms. Its a silent killer. I had developed a bad case of supermom syndrome.
I have tried to be it all, to all. I had volunteered at my church every day last week while juggling kids so that no one missed Mama. I had cooked a hot meal every night and kept the house cleaned. I was a counselor to anyone that needed a shoulder to lean on and I did so with great joy. I was a hostess to anyone that wanted to come to dinner. I managed to bake enough dessert to feed an army for a family reunion. I made my calls, ran errands and cut my coupons.
What I never seemed to find time for was one single moment for myself. All too often I think that if I move something to do something I enjoy , I am robbing someone else. I don't want to take anything away from the friends and family that I love so I will take something away that I need. And it works, for a while. Until you lock yourself in the bathroom and consider getting your mail forwarded.
I tried to explain to my hubby that what mama's lack is any kind of mental freedom. I have not even gotten a 5 minute car ride by myself. I am talking if a really good song comes on the radio, I do not have the luxury of listening or singing along. I instead have to turn the radio down so that I can hear my 3 year old ask why the cows are by the tree, ask when we are going to the zoo again and the discuss the wonders of the bubble. Its like the moment we get in the car my child feels he has to meet a word quota. I won't even get into "bathroom breaks". All I will say is that it usually involves either banging on the door or someone 2 inches away from my face asking to flush.
So how do we keep Supermom syndrome at a minimum? My books tell me that I should go on dates with my hubby, take walks by myself and spend long nights laughing with girlfriends. Then real life hits of runny noses, family emergencies and grumpy hubby's. I guess this tired mama had to hit the wall with a painful thump to see that what I am doing is just not working! How do you keep from getting to this low place? I have no answers, so if any of y'all have them please tell me!
All I can do is make myself take some time for myself. I can drag my own booty out the door for a walk or take that offer for help. Maybe I can just sit with a cup of decaf while the kids are sleeping instead of cleaning house. I just know one thing for sure. Next time I look at that "supermom" enviously, I will think twice. Beyond the perfect hair, nails, house, dessert and dinner party is probably a woman that has thought about how she can get her dinner slid under the bathroom door :)
We as mamas have to be innovative and thrifty all in the same beat. Somehow we find new ways of doing things that save us money, time and maybe if we are really blessed.... sanity! 
