Friday, December 11, 2009

When to say when ?!

I am sitting here and its quiet. I have had my quiet time with the Lord and now I am enjoying looking at my beautiful Christmas tree (bottom heavy with decorations from little hands, of course!) and drinking a hot cup of coffee.

I am thinking how very, very blessed I am. I have a wonderful husband who provides a wonderful life for us and tries to please me a little harder each day. I have two HEALTHY children who are full of life and energy. They both sleep through the night, feed themselves and take 2 1/2 hour naps at the same time everyday. So I am wondering why when I saw my friends baby earlier in the week, I felt a tug. At my heart and my ovaries.

So here is my question. Does that tug ever really go away? Are we as women made to always have that maternal drive to nestle a baby at our breast? I so much as see a fussy baby during church service and I start rocking. Yep, its instinctual!

So when do you say when?

I feel so blessed that I almost wonder if we would be pushing our luck. I know this is not a healthy way to look at things since God's blessings are not limited. I just think of the comfort we all have now. We have a good budget. One is totally out of diapers. We have no problem finding a baby sitter. Everyone has their own room in our very comfortable 3 bedroom house. You would think I would throw my hands in the air and scream "done, done, done!!"

I have to confess right now that I am not a newborn gal. The thought of getting up every 2 hours to breastfeed does not appeal to me. Don't get me wrong I think the little squirming bundle of joy is cute as all get out. I just don't enjoy leaking breasts, no sleep, not fitting into any of my clothes and feeling a general feeling of frazzled... all the time. The reality is however that the little red squirmy thing turns into one wonderfully cute little person whom I wouldn't trade for the whole world.

There are days when I look at the newborn at the mall and think "ahhhhh". I get that familiar ache in my nether regions. Then there are times when I see the very tired mama at the same mall and think "No way Jose!" So how do you know what to do?

For me its a test in faith. I pray that the God over the universe would be the God over my womb. I pray that I will be obedient in HIS will and not my own. I won't lie to you, its a hard one for me. I am a planner. I like lists, calendars and being in charge. To submit something so important is VERY hard. To not know what the future holds is even harder.

So I will pray, listen and try to be still before the Father. I will be content where I am sitting right now, knowing that God has the most perfect plan for me and my family.

But if you see some crazy lady at the mall stalking babies.... yeah, its probably me.