Friday, August 26, 2011

my emotional ramblings

My baby, my son, will be starting in kindergarten this week.

Gone are the days of lazily laying on the couch asking his mama for some more milk while he giggles with his sister. All day movie marathons, running through the sprinklers, morning zoo trips, eating cherries on the porch, making Popsicles, chasing lightning bugs, painting, taking long strolls.

I still remember praying for his very existence. I begged God for him to bless me with a healthy baby. Fresh off of a loss, I was raw, exposed and hurting.

God did bless me with a baby. I laughed and cried when I felt him move from within me the first time. I held my husbands hand and cried again when we saw that beautiful heartbeat on the screen.

Every ache and pain and discomfort was worth it. I prayed every night and day that this baby would be healthy and strong. (God got the last laugh on this one because he made him strong all right....strong willed!)

Then the day of his birth which I can recall every last scary detail. The day we almost lost our precious baby boy before his life even began.

How an awesome God spared him.

How I was changed forever.

I thought the painful breastfeeding and sleepless nights would last forever. I was oh so wrong. They passed without me even noticing. Now where a crib once stood, stands a big boy bed with fire truck sheets and prized possessions stacked on a play tool bench beside him. Treasures.

Where has the time gone? Where is that baby boy that I used to rock and sing and soothe every fear that he had? He has been replaced by a big boy that doesn't want me to walk him in his school and wants to wear "cool clothes" .

My first instinct is to hold even tighter onto my baby.

God is working on this mamas heart to not live in fear. That this child has an awesome purpose. One that goes beyond anything that I could imagine.

"Let me work everything out"...I hear God whisper to my heart.

I have a difficult time with letting go of my precious one. I try to remember that God loves my baby even more than I do. I can't quite wrap my mind around it.

So I pray.

I pray that he will maintain his kind, kind heart and compassion for others. That he will not become hard to this world while not getting trampled over either. That he will have the courage to stand tall for what he believes is right and doesn't follow the crowd. That he will keep his innocence.

I pray and try to let the Lord pry away the white knuckled grip that I want to have on my boy.

The awful truth is that he will get hurt. People will be unkind. He will learn things that I would never expose him to within this home. He will have some tough choices to make.

The glorious truth is that God is still on the throne and and still in control. He cares about this mamas tears. He holds my son in his hand and calls him his own. He has patience with me and reminds me to savor these moments because they go by too quickly.

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19